Sucker Punch (2011)

* 1/2

When I first saw this movie poster it brought me back to the days of the Spice Girls -- all I could think of when I added it to my Netflix queue is "girl powah!"

The resemblance pretty much ends there.

Sucker Punch begins in an undisclosed era, in an undisclosed bleak location, with a troubled blond girl literally fighting off her tyrannical step-father from abusing her and her sister. A cover of "Sweet Dreams" is played in the background by someone trying to sound like Bjork and t.A.T.u. because they called in sick. Film is slowed down then sped up again to emphasize bullets traveling through the air, or to accentuate the gentle golden locks of our protagonist as she is taken away to a mental institution.

It is then revealed, the bleak location of this inconsistent, deceivingly-feminist action fantasy film happens in . . . VERMONT.

Thanks a whole fucking lot, Zack Snyder.

Anyway, the film meanders in and out of inconsistent but visually stunning sequences, with closing action that made me want to hurl and cut off every man's package within a 20-mile radius -- "Girl Powah!" -- but really, how can that many men in a movie all be such bastards?!??

In closing for this pre-Hthon review, I want to make the observation that Sucker Punch, for all its visually stunning credit, could have benefited from the omission of several pouty and worried faces of its lead Emily Browning. The first 45 minutes is like staring into the face of a child who doesn't want broccoli for dinner:

"You mean I have to eat the green stuff?"

Yes, yes you do Baby Doll. And you'd better enjoy it or else.